Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
