my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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