Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
