woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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