omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
