mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
