Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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