I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
