If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
