im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
