I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
