You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
