I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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