i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I deserve this hangover.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
