Plan B is the new Plan A
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
