Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
