I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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