The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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