see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
