You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, beer. Big fan.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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