Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
