i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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