OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
