i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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