he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
jump out the window naked night went bad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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