I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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