So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
