we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
