i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
