I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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