I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
