His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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