her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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