I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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