Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
