Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
