not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
