I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
