I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
