So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Randomize
