dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
