all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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