I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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