Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
