remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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