actually, I'm a sock model
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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