I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
