I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
