What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
