What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
