he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
