I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
