Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
